Onward We Go

First, thank you for comments on my last post. It helps to know that people are reading.

So, now what?

Where do I go when I realize that it’s not working with my husband?

Where I have that the gut feeling that is telling me to just cut my losses and move on.

And I WANT to…
Except…
I have two beautiful, wonderful girls who deserve a solid family unit. To have a mom that will do everything she can to make sure that the family stays together.
Except…
I have 22 years invested in this relationship. I have been with him for a long time, our relationship deserves some respect and willingness to try.
Except…
It’s not all bad. There are so many great things about our relationship and our life together.

I did start the conversation.

It started first with a discussion on how I’m still dealing with so much grief over my mom’s death last May. My sister’s and I are in the process of selling my mom’s house and it’s been more emotional than I expected.
Having him get all huffy when I have to go out of town to take care of house business, sucks.
Having him fight me on the acceptance of a cash offer because “it seemed low” to him, sucks.
Having to basically tell him, “It’s not your decision, you have no say”, sucks.

I told him this, I told him that selling the house is hard that I just need him to support me, whether he agrees or not. Then I went into how my grief just pops up out of nowhere. I’ll be fine, going about my day, and then something will remind me of her or I’ll think I have to ask her something and the wave of realization that she’s gone comes flooding over me again. Sometimes I cry, sometimes it just comes out in anger, sometimes I just don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. So, I told him all this, I laid it all out there. He was very receptive, more so than any time in the past. It felt nice talking to him like that. Telling him how I’m feeling and what’s going on with me.

But it’s more than the stuff dealing with my mom’s house and death. It’s the underlying stuff that’s been hanging around for YEARS:

The feeling like I’m constantly being judged.
The feeling that he doesn’t trust my parenting decisions.
The fact that I don’t respect him.
The fact that I’m no longer really attracted to him.
The fact that I’m tired of arguing about the same damn things.
The fact that there is no real intimacy in our marriage anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, it takes two to tango right? I mean, some of this is because of the choices I have made or actions that I have taken. This is where the real work would be in our relationship. Where we would have to really get down to the WHY of it all. Where we would have to discuss The Past and why it is effecting our present and future.

But to be totally honest? I don’t give a shit about the past. It is what it is. I know what’s broken, let’s just fix it.

The part that really makes me pause, that really stops me in my tracks is this: I have lost so much of myself throughout the course of this relationship. I have changed so much from who I used to be to fit the mold that he has asked for based on his actions and attitude toward me. I hate that. I hate that I have changed myself so that we don’t argue as much. So that he will be okay with the decisions I make. Is there a way to be myself AND be with him?

I don’t know.

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