The Creeping Silence

** This is a very raw post for me, but I feel I need to get it out or I’m going to burst. I could probably have re-read and edited it so it made more sense or a better read. But I don’t really care. This is what’s going through my head at the moment. **

I’m not sure when it happened. Probably when I was busy doing other “stuff”. When I had so many things going on that arguing about this particular item didn’t seem to phase me and I said to him: Do what you want, I really don’t care.

That phrase seems so harmless. Yet, at the same time, it started a trend.

To busy to deal with what he’s saying?
Do what you want…

To tired to try and understand what he’s saying?
Ok, hon, I trust you, just do what you want…

To distracted to try and understand his problem?
I get it, I do, but you need to figure it out. Not me, do what you want, I honestly don’t care.

It goes on. To the point where now? I hardly listen unless it needs an immediate action by me. Do I care? Sort of. I care to the point where it effects me. Where it effects my life and how my day will go.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs: IT ISN’T ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT DAMMIT!

Because that’s what it feels like. Most decisions, most actions, most things, are in his control. Not mine. I’ve allowed this to happen. I’ve allowed it to happen because I’ve been to busy, tired, frustrated to listen or to even try to listen.

I don’t talk to him about anything meaningful. I don’t want to. I don’t want the judgment. I don’t want the pain of hearing how my thoughts are “wrong”.

I feel like I should WANT to talk to him. That I should WANT to figure things out. I don’t. At all. I don’t want to deal with the messiness of what I have helped create. I don’t want to sort through the emotional baggage that being with someone for 22 years brings. I don’t want to rip off the passive aggressive band aids.

I just want it to go away.

I want to feel like I’m going through life WITH someone.
I want to feel a sense of contentment with my partner.
I want to feel some excitement about having an evening alone with him.
I want conversations to be transparent (no motives), arguments to be civil.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel trust again.
I want to laugh again.
I want to care enough to bring ME back into the relationship.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. *hugs* This post makes total sense. I can relate to this and hope I can do something before it gets too far.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Your sister on March 25, 2015 at 10:26 pm

    Can almost feel the emptiness through your words. Love you. Always here for you.

    Reply

  3. Oh hon. Yes. If it wasn’t for the fact I literally ran away from the house tonight to just escape, I wouldn’t have seen this. I understand. Truly.

    Reply

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