Grief Vacation

I refuse to be sad this Christmas. Refuse. I’ve been sad all year. I’m tired of being sad. I need a reprieve. I need some time where I’m happy and I’m ok.

Losing my mom was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. Thankfully, it was something that came late in my life. I’m 40 years old.

I’ve had 40 pretty darn good years so far. Some were better than others. However, none of them had anything of this magnitude. The only thing that came close was miscarrying. That was hard, but we mourned, we picked ourselves up, we moved on.

Which, at some point, I will do with my mom’s death. At some point I will feel okay enough to not have gut wrenching grief at least once a month (usually more). At some point I will realize it’s been X amount of days where I haven’t thought about her or her death. That point is not now.

However, I need a vacation from grief. I need just a short stint where I can pretend that all is fine in my world. Where my mom is not gone forever, where she is just “not here” right now.

So, I’m taking that grief vacation, starting at 1pm today when I walk through the door of my house after working a half day.

I will walk in, be hugged by girls and pestered to go see Santa. I will wonder how we are going to wrap all the presents. I will drink Guinness while watching Christmas Vacation. I will look forward to seeing my sisters and their families for Christmas dinner. I will watch my girls get excited and barely be able to sleep tonight. I will watch them get up Christmas morning in awe of all the presents under the tree. I will wrap myself up in these good, heartwarming moments.

Grief can come back Saturday when I go for my long run, where I can pound out the hurt and the anger and the longing for just one more hug.

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