Working Through It

I have no oulet for this stuff anymore. I need an outlet. I’m going to try, really try to post on here at least once a week. Hopefully more.

K started kindergarten this year. This is huge people. My little baby, my first born, is in a real school. Not daycare, not a Y program. A real school. She is learning things at such a rapid pace it shocks me. Yet, she also will melt down like a 3 year old at the slightest problem. She loves gym and library days. She is super excited about the bus. She loves eating in the cafeteria. All these new experiences for her… without me and P. It’s very cool to hear her tell me about her day. I usually have to wait a bit to get any real information. However, eventually she will open up about how things are going or what she did that made her happy that day.

I went to my first PTO meeting last night. This school district is in a middle to upper class suburb of a small city. The women who are part of this organization all seemed really nice and friendly. It was nice actually, to be part of something again. I didn’t sign up for anything but I will keep going back each month and particpating when I can. I think it’s important to start fostering some new friendships. Meeting new people is always a goal of mine and here are ~20 other women each month that I can get to know better.

L is in preschool. She’s 3 and half. She is loveable and tough at the same time. She shocks me with what she picks up from K. The phrases she remembers, the words she hangs on to, the cuteness with a flair for drama. She is easy when she is alone. When she’s with K it’s like she feels the need to be equal to K in ALL areas. Which, at 3, she of course comes up short. At the same time she does things on her own that are just awesome. She plays with the playmobil sets and builds elaborate scenarios with all the people. She loves using her imagination. She loves music, and all things musical.

As for me. I am struggling. I go through weeks where everything is fine, status quo. Then something will flare up here at work or even at home. Then I start a tailspin of self doubt with a mix of self loathing. Am I being the best mom I can? Should I care about my job more? Am I neglecting my husband? Myself?

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I like the people I work with, I’m nearly ok with the work, I like my role. I dislike some of the personalities I have to work with (but then again who doesn’t?), I dislike that I’m in a position that most people would agree is less than what I went to school for, I dislike that I’m uncertain about how I feel in regards to the client. These issues aren’t totally earth shattering. They are things that I struggle with once every couple of months. The problem is I no longer have the luxury of thinking I have a possible out at some point. P is still out on workmans comp, no job for him (nor could he really work). So it’s me bringing home the bacon. We are doing well and because of this, I set my problems aside and head into work.

Personally things are going okay. I’m back to exercising with some regularity (ran a half marathon last Sunday!), I’m enjoying the time that I have with the kids and P for the most part. I struggle with balancing my needs with theirs. I might get short with them at times that doesn’t seem to make any sense. I’m not sure why. Other than I get frustrated with our lack of things to do with the girls at times. How many times can you go to the playground? The park? It gets worrisome as we see the days getting colder and shorter. I wonder, as always, what the hell are we going to do this winter? I am praying for lots of snow. Snow means outside time. Not just in sledding and playing in the snow but snowboarding. Both girls are of an age where the can learn to ski or snowboard at lessons on the mountain. I really want them to at least learn. If one or both end up not liking it, that’s fine too.

 

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